‘m geri…

Do you know anyone who is not afraid to die? Ako meron….my dad. He is already 70 years old…still strong…in fact, he is still energetic, full of life. When I came back from timor, I noticed he has hoarseness. It was December so I thought it could be because of the weather. I just gave him a prescription thinking that the symptoms will just resolve by itself. Pero, 3 months na andun pa rin ang hoarseness ng voice nya. We decided to have him checked by an ENT. Wasn’t surprised by what his doctor found in his throat. I’m a doctor too…but then, it scared me. The laryngeal biopsy confirmed that he has a vocal cord cancer…good thing is, its just starting. After they took out the lump, that was it..no chemotherapy nor radiation therapy needed…observe 6 months…though, my dad was advised to stop smoking. Okay, but then parang na realize ko I cant deprive my dad of the tiniest happiness he gets from smoking. Potah, matanda na tatay ko noh. Everything was running smoothly until he had his annual check up again. Results were usual except for the result of his PSA(tumor marker for prostate). He immediately underwent a transrectal biopsy to confirm….PROSTATE CARCINOMA. Amazing, from one tumor to another, from one kind of cancer to another. If there is one thing good about his cancers is that all are on their early stage…no extension nor metastasis. When he told us that he doesn’t want to undergo the surgery, I felt how strong my dad is. Weird, pero parang nakita ko sa kanya na parang excited syang to bid farewell to the world na. Kakaloka talaga papa ko. That is one thing I really like about him….he is sooooooo cool. He always take things in stride. Epekto yata ito ng sobrang pag-inom ng kape. Or, is it because, he is old na. Or, it could be a form of denial also na he doesn’t want us to see he is dying inside because of fear (how we suffered emotionally and financially when my mom died of cancer too). Hindi mo makikita sa kanya ang mga acting ni ate vi sa pahiram ng isang umaga…walang drama…walang nagwawala..hindi ito ang teleserye ng totoong buhay. Pero syempre, aagaw eksena ang ate ko. Ako subdued. He is very prayerful man kaya siguro parang secured sya sa kanyang patutunguhan. Pero, hindi nya na realize na hindi siguro siya mabait kaya ayaw pa siya kunin ni Lord. Anyway, as I finish this my dad already packed his things waiting for me to finish. I will bring him to medical city for his confinement and surgery. His girlfriend will be there to give support…attend to his needs overnight…ayoko ng umeksena…See, he really is excited….or, maybe after all what he had been through…or, maybe he had lived a full life already…basta ang alam ko…hindi sya takot.

The burden again is on me. Mahirap talaga if you are the only doctor in the family. Pasan pasan mo ang daigdig kapag meron man isang may sakit sa pamilya. Bedside manners are changed…hindi mo alam kung magiging objective ka explaining like the way you explain things to your patients or you are going to tell a white lie para hindi masyadong masakit for the rest of the family members. I cant even show my weak side kahit iyak na iyak na ako. Para akong isang general na sinasabihan ang isang pulutong na everything is under control pero ang bayag mo nasa lalamunan na, hindi pwede ang poker faced kasi mahahalata na hindi pala under control. Kaya ako, I don’t talk too much…isang tanong isang sagot..sabihin na nilang parang hindi ako concern….basta…

December 28, 2003 when I arrived here in East Timor, a new republic which I only heard and learned of when they celebrated their liberation from Indonesia, thanks to CNN. Never in wildest dream and for sure for some of us too, to be part of this “never heard” place. But then, I took chances simply because I just want to….try…remuneration…whatever! The thing is I abhor what if’s. I surfed the internet to get a bit acquainted with this place and readied myself for the uncertainties ahead. Despite all the discouragements I got from my family and friends, here I am because of the stubborn me! After we signed our contract, I was told I will be assigned in Liquica, apparently, a beautiful place which is the nearest district from the city, Dili. After a while, anonymous personas fetched me at Hotel Audian (where most of the doctors are billeted before they are transferred to their respective districts) to bring me to my place of assignment. While in transit, I wandered on what I see…KAPAS! There was silence because I don’t know yet the language (they have plenty, Bahasa and Portugese are the common ones) though I understand a bit of Portugese (almost similar with Spanish) because I was educated in a university with 4 semesters of Spanish. That silence tingled my imagination of what kind of life I will be having. As we traveled, I was reminded of Batanes, cliffs, mountains and the immense coastal area. The raging waves broke the silence upon the three of us in that car. True enough, 45 minutes past, Liquica! There were few people who speaks and understands English and I already thanked God for that. They showed my house and endorsed some stuff like a generator which unfortunately didn’t work. It was a house complete with amenities provided by the ministry of health. I’ve got 3 air conditioning units, washing machine, unluckily, only the spinner works, fridge, stove, water dispenser, desk top and a nice bed a with a comforter, don’t miss home in a way(though electricity sometimes is cut for days and when it rains there is scarcity of water). But everything when I arrived were in disarray which made me want to go back to Phils but I got everything started, I made it a HOME. I didn’t start working except on emergency calls because it was still a long weekend due to “tinan foun”(new year). I busied myself studying TETUM (official language) with the help of the dictionary lent to me by one of the nurses. Baptism of fire came, and on my first day, I had 100 plus patients. First few weeks I had my interpreter but thereafter, I was on my own. I did the consultation myself which shouldn’t be the case. Complicated cases are reserved for me but I never complained because it worked on my end for so many reasons. Like, it killed my boredom just like what the repellants do to the mosquitoes, I have touched again the every beads of the rosary everyday. My eyes marveled on some good reading materials which unbelievably I finished in record breaking hours. I got to interact with the people and little by little, I began to appreciate the culture, the language…the “ema of liquica”(people of liquica). But there was one thing I regret, never explored the whole beauty of liquica for some silly reasons. I am not arachnophobic but it was my first time to see a scorpion, lots of them the first time I cleaned my house and the paranoia of getting the malaria. I tried to walk around on my second day but my feet got scarred, tried to hear mass in their language but never understood anything but in my heart I know which part of the ceremony I was already into. Still, the beauty of liquica remains. What they lack in their pockets are engraved in their hearts..courteous people…their smiles. Apart from all of these, things around me made me realized a lot that made me human again. I may have helped them by making them feel better, but, they, in return, taught me in their subconscious minds to “RELEARN” things. I knew I wasn’t living the kind of life I am used too but surviving a life just like theirs. Then again, every time I complained why I went here and suffer, I just oogled my eyes around me and still I felt blessed because I’ve got everything…food…shelter and good health. I got to compare my life to theirs and in my heart a silent scream came out saying thank you because my survival was much easier. Now, I am not surviving anymore but living…twist of fate, I left them after 3 months and a half of the “education” they gave me. I moved out and transferred to the city with a heavy heart. Sadness filled my heart, my eyes welled with tears, ironic but true. I can never translate into words the mourning I felt deep within me because I have learned to love “LIQUICA”. It is not farewell my dear liquica for you have tattooed yourself in the very marrows of my being….

Eto na naman,finding it hard to decide for myself…well, eto ang siste..alam naman natin ang hirap ng buhay sa pinas. To cite an example, ang mestra nagd DH or caregiver at ang mga doctor nagna nurse para lang makaalis ng bansa at maging parte ng brain drain…o, upang iwasan ang “pocket” drain? Well, naging bahagi na rin naman ako ng “brain drain” na yan. 2003, nagpunta ako sa East Timor upang magtrabaho bilang manggagamot. Naka isa’t kalahating taon din ako ruon. Well, kahit na sabihin natin na mahirap mamuhay sa ibang bansa lalo na’t sanay tayong maymga helpers. Mga taong maasahan sa oras ng pangangailangan. But inspite of the hardships living alone plus the living conditions of a place like East Timor, andito na naman ako. When I came back last November last year I was expecting I’m still going back to work for Timor. But when the HR director rang me and informed me that unfortunately hindi na, nag apply ako on line sa United Nations Volunteers (UNV). Fortunately, after 3 days, nag reply sila they asked me to fill up a form para makasama na ako sa roster. Then, after 3 months(April), ako a certified na nasa roster na ng UNV. The importance of this is that, its like a site of all qualified people who can be sent for a mission. Ehh, mission like sa sudan, Lebanon at kung saan saan pang may giyera internal or external man. Headquarters ng UNV ay sa Bonn, Germany. Ang mga staff dun ang tatawag sa iyo kung interested ka itapon kung san man panig ng mundo. To make the story short, after they’d reviewed my CV and passed the interview (kasi sagot ko, “for world peace”) I was selected for deployment in Sudan. I am sooo excited kasi maglalayag na naman ako. Although siyempre, eto na naman ang buhay na never ko na-imagine (walang kuryente, walang tubig kung meron man kulay tsokolate, may epidemic ng malaria at mga sakit na sa libro ko lang yata nalaman, atbp). Haaaaay! Ironic pero enjoy ako….sabi ko Lord, thanks for giving me this chance. Ang galing galing mo Lord! Then, after I received thru email my security visa and my electronic ticket, may ibang kwento naman. Ang tatay ko…may saket. Hindi lagnat..hindi ubo…hindi high blood kundi tumor sa prostate. Ay, ano ba….sign ba ito na huag na ako umalis? I’m fond of asking for signs kasi in anything I do. pero, hellur, daming signs ito…kakalito..hindi ko ma discern. Syempre, justify na naman ako ng mga signs…na kaya siguro na move ang paglalayag ng sept kasi magkakasakit ang tatay ko(dapat kasi july pa ako umalis). Well, I asked permission actually informed my father about my plan. Agree naman siya, worry lang nya eh ang giyera…okay, settled. Kaso, last Tuesday, he had his biopsy…and we are still waiting for the result…kabado…paano kung malala…remember, he had biopsy last summer due to a vocal cord tumor…good thing I don’t see any signs na my dad is getting weak…worse…lahat nega…I asked for some advices from my frends…mixed…lalo akong nalito…so I resorted to trusting my sixth sense…medically, prognosis wise, maganda ang prostate cancer..kung cancer nga…20 years survival rate…6 months lang naman ang mission ko…dream ko ito paano tatay ko…I really wanted to do this…buti na lang mabait si Primo, I had a heart to heart talk with him…he understands.

November 10,2005….thursday…5PM. My friend ronald, his friend and me decided to go out just like what we used to do for the longest (longest?) ok, for past few weeks. i thought it would just be an ordinary tete-a-tete over bottles of beer again. we went to this place called the “monkey bar”. didn’t see any in the vicinity except for the three of us. but, according to robert, tha place used to be packed full with people before. well, place is nice. how come i’ve never been here?(well, now i did!). it’s just blocks away from where i live. from the looks of it, the place is under renovation but it never lost its touch and beauty for some mental calesthenics. we ordered our hors d’ ouvres, BEER. we didn’t stay in the proximity of the bar but pulled some chair and found our place in the garden under a palm tree. its dusky and serene. this is what i like doing the most, carefree attitude while drinking and at the same time communing with nature of course, with your friends around. ambience set the mood in me. never been quite melodramatic or melancholic in ages. i just found myself being bashed by questions from this two people. in a nut shell, topic was as old as the dinosaurs or maybe adam and eve, relationship! it was nice to be exchanging ideas with someone coming from a different race. some “preguntas and respostas” were off the record. robert asked me if im happy with my 11 year relationship with somebody back home…how often we communicate, calls, text messages and emails…set up…blah…blah…blah. my fault because i was the one who asked the first question…well about them?…i have an honest mind that’s why i asked honest questions that in a way put him in a kind of situation. i started from our history, the when, how, what, who questions…sounds like the scientific method. anyway, from the course of the conversation, i sounded like the caucasian and him, the asian. or maybe, it was just a matter of point of views. he was talking about compromise and i was talking about sacrifice. .my partner and I have totally different personalities, different careers and different hobbies. but just the same, we meet half way and live a full life. hey, meeting half way doesn’t mean we do compromise which i think you talk things over and set some guidelines. we don’t…we just feel the need of each other and just give in to whatever my partner wishes. oops, don’t be so judgmental that i am not happy…in fact, i’ve never been happy in my life. its just that my happiness always comes after i see my partner happy(sacrifice?). could never imagine myself being with another person because i already submitted myself growing old with the person i am with now. oops, again. im not trying to be self righteous here. of course, i do meet, date,have sex with other people. its human nature and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you love your partner less. i just know where to go home after. and, if i ever get into something intimate already or might as well say emotionally attached aside from my partner…i step back and bugger off as fast i can. sorry, not too tacky….but its me im talking about and not you guys. i don’t want to sound too condescending. its your business and i have nothing to do with yours….it seems that i become a more consenting adult. well, i’ve always been. we talked about how far this thing will go thinking that we are just a week away from our departure. this thing…their relationship. there was sadness in their eyes. i thought i saw robert teary and ron numb but i guess it was just the 2 bottles of 750cc of bintang…hallucinating… they were both caught dumbfounded. i was there the whole time…countless times he was there in our modest place, i’ve been a witness and not an accomplice to all of these. but, robert blamed me for all of these and his friend dr. ross. have i not asked ronald to go out on the eve his birthday and dr. ross introduced them to us, these things should not have happened. i can feel how difficult it is for them to be engaged in this kind of situation. its too comliplicated…still, I see them both happy. so, whats the prob…savoring every sec of it to the fullest while it lasts i know some people don’t agree with the set up maybe because of whatever reasons they have. but before you give your verdict, might as well be mature enough to understand the whole situation. let’s be considerate. They braved themselves to enter into this “illicit” love affair (haven’t you) with utmost honesty of their feelings, put aside whatever ending this might ought bring them. one way or another, they are going to be hurt. “punished” maybe for loving someone at a wrong time…but for the time being, who cares about the future if you are too pre-occupied with the present…robert doesn’t….so let them be….and as friends, will just be there when the reckoning comes..

I’ve been wanting to write my first blog since most of my friends do it. I love eavesdropping on jove’s site (www.joveffrancisco.com), adrian ayalin at blogspot and of course, gregg the bully in friendster. Check them out so you will have an idea what I am talking about. It took me a while before I wrote my own. Kasi hindi ako sure kung I have the talent and creativity those people have. Although meron na rin naman ako nasulat maaring walang kwenta sa iba pero sa akin, parang source of relief when I scribbled them. On my end, it’s still a masterpiece. And besides, I was pre-occupied with so many thoughts in my mind…ang nangangamoy ng topic tungkol sa politics, ang mga pasaway na mga Obispo lately, ang tungkol sa walang katapusan rigodon about love, hiwalayan at friendship, mga kaganapan at observation ko sa mga teleserye, atbp. Well, I can’t totally get a way from them kasi eto ang interesting kahit antigo na. Just the same, I always procastinate. Sabi sa inyo eh, bilib ako sa mga taong magaling sumulat…just formulating an idea on what to write nakakaloka na bumubuo ka pa kaya ng isang buod. Hindi ko rin alam kung may sinusunod silang rules about writing, well, bukod sa grammar. Or, is it just sheer passion for writing na nailalabas nila sa pagsusulat. Well, isa silang mga henio. Katulad na lamang ng mga obra ni jove about mga political issues (well most of them) na feeling mo naandun ka rin sa lugar na pinangyarihan…ang makulay na pagsulat ni gregg at payak na gawa ni Adrian. Saganang akin, simula na ito…chaka man o marangal, ang importante mailabas ko ang mga saloobin ko, mabawasan ang pagiging alcoholic ko…maintindihan ako… at sa mga kaibigan ko, salamat sa inyo.
(mga gurls, walang okrayan….hehehehehehe).