‘m geri…

Eto na naman,finding it hard to decide for myself…well, eto ang siste..alam naman natin ang hirap ng buhay sa pinas. To cite an example, ang mestra nagd DH or caregiver at ang mga doctor nagna nurse para lang makaalis ng bansa at maging parte ng brain drain…o, upang iwasan ang “pocket” drain? Well, naging bahagi na rin naman ako ng “brain drain” na yan. 2003, nagpunta ako sa East Timor upang magtrabaho bilang manggagamot. Naka isa’t kalahating taon din ako ruon. Well, kahit na sabihin natin na mahirap mamuhay sa ibang bansa lalo na’t sanay tayong maymga helpers. Mga taong maasahan sa oras ng pangangailangan. But inspite of the hardships living alone plus the living conditions of a place like East Timor, andito na naman ako. When I came back last November last year I was expecting I’m still going back to work for Timor. But when the HR director rang me and informed me that unfortunately hindi na, nag apply ako on line sa United Nations Volunteers (UNV). Fortunately, after 3 days, nag reply sila they asked me to fill up a form para makasama na ako sa roster. Then, after 3 months(April), ako a certified na nasa roster na ng UNV. The importance of this is that, its like a site of all qualified people who can be sent for a mission. Ehh, mission like sa sudan, Lebanon at kung saan saan pang may giyera internal or external man. Headquarters ng UNV ay sa Bonn, Germany. Ang mga staff dun ang tatawag sa iyo kung interested ka itapon kung san man panig ng mundo. To make the story short, after they’d reviewed my CV and passed the interview (kasi sagot ko, “for world peace”) I was selected for deployment in Sudan. I am sooo excited kasi maglalayag na naman ako. Although siyempre, eto na naman ang buhay na never ko na-imagine (walang kuryente, walang tubig kung meron man kulay tsokolate, may epidemic ng malaria at mga sakit na sa libro ko lang yata nalaman, atbp). Haaaaay! Ironic pero enjoy ako….sabi ko Lord, thanks for giving me this chance. Ang galing galing mo Lord! Then, after I received thru email my security visa and my electronic ticket, may ibang kwento naman. Ang tatay ko…may saket. Hindi lagnat..hindi ubo…hindi high blood kundi tumor sa prostate. Ay, ano ba….sign ba ito na huag na ako umalis? I’m fond of asking for signs kasi in anything I do. pero, hellur, daming signs ito…kakalito..hindi ko ma discern. Syempre, justify na naman ako ng mga signs…na kaya siguro na move ang paglalayag ng sept kasi magkakasakit ang tatay ko(dapat kasi july pa ako umalis). Well, I asked permission actually informed my father about my plan. Agree naman siya, worry lang nya eh ang giyera…okay, settled. Kaso, last Tuesday, he had his biopsy…and we are still waiting for the result…kabado…paano kung malala…remember, he had biopsy last summer due to a vocal cord tumor…good thing I don’t see any signs na my dad is getting weak…worse…lahat nega…I asked for some advices from my frends…mixed…lalo akong nalito…so I resorted to trusting my sixth sense…medically, prognosis wise, maganda ang prostate cancer..kung cancer nga…20 years survival rate…6 months lang naman ang mission ko…dream ko ito paano tatay ko…I really wanted to do this…buti na lang mabait si Primo, I had a heart to heart talk with him…he understands.

November 10,2005….thursday…5PM. My friend ronald, his friend and me decided to go out just like what we used to do for the longest (longest?) ok, for past few weeks. i thought it would just be an ordinary tete-a-tete over bottles of beer again. we went to this place called the “monkey bar”. didn’t see any in the vicinity except for the three of us. but, according to robert, tha place used to be packed full with people before. well, place is nice. how come i’ve never been here?(well, now i did!). it’s just blocks away from where i live. from the looks of it, the place is under renovation but it never lost its touch and beauty for some mental calesthenics. we ordered our hors d’ ouvres, BEER. we didn’t stay in the proximity of the bar but pulled some chair and found our place in the garden under a palm tree. its dusky and serene. this is what i like doing the most, carefree attitude while drinking and at the same time communing with nature of course, with your friends around. ambience set the mood in me. never been quite melodramatic or melancholic in ages. i just found myself being bashed by questions from this two people. in a nut shell, topic was as old as the dinosaurs or maybe adam and eve, relationship! it was nice to be exchanging ideas with someone coming from a different race. some “preguntas and respostas” were off the record. robert asked me if im happy with my 11 year relationship with somebody back home…how often we communicate, calls, text messages and emails…set up…blah…blah…blah. my fault because i was the one who asked the first question…well about them?…i have an honest mind that’s why i asked honest questions that in a way put him in a kind of situation. i started from our history, the when, how, what, who questions…sounds like the scientific method. anyway, from the course of the conversation, i sounded like the caucasian and him, the asian. or maybe, it was just a matter of point of views. he was talking about compromise and i was talking about sacrifice. .my partner and I have totally different personalities, different careers and different hobbies. but just the same, we meet half way and live a full life. hey, meeting half way doesn’t mean we do compromise which i think you talk things over and set some guidelines. we don’t…we just feel the need of each other and just give in to whatever my partner wishes. oops, don’t be so judgmental that i am not happy…in fact, i’ve never been happy in my life. its just that my happiness always comes after i see my partner happy(sacrifice?). could never imagine myself being with another person because i already submitted myself growing old with the person i am with now. oops, again. im not trying to be self righteous here. of course, i do meet, date,have sex with other people. its human nature and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you love your partner less. i just know where to go home after. and, if i ever get into something intimate already or might as well say emotionally attached aside from my partner…i step back and bugger off as fast i can. sorry, not too tacky….but its me im talking about and not you guys. i don’t want to sound too condescending. its your business and i have nothing to do with yours….it seems that i become a more consenting adult. well, i’ve always been. we talked about how far this thing will go thinking that we are just a week away from our departure. this thing…their relationship. there was sadness in their eyes. i thought i saw robert teary and ron numb but i guess it was just the 2 bottles of 750cc of bintang…hallucinating… they were both caught dumbfounded. i was there the whole time…countless times he was there in our modest place, i’ve been a witness and not an accomplice to all of these. but, robert blamed me for all of these and his friend dr. ross. have i not asked ronald to go out on the eve his birthday and dr. ross introduced them to us, these things should not have happened. i can feel how difficult it is for them to be engaged in this kind of situation. its too comliplicated…still, I see them both happy. so, whats the prob…savoring every sec of it to the fullest while it lasts i know some people don’t agree with the set up maybe because of whatever reasons they have. but before you give your verdict, might as well be mature enough to understand the whole situation. let’s be considerate. They braved themselves to enter into this “illicit” love affair (haven’t you) with utmost honesty of their feelings, put aside whatever ending this might ought bring them. one way or another, they are going to be hurt. “punished” maybe for loving someone at a wrong time…but for the time being, who cares about the future if you are too pre-occupied with the present…robert doesn’t….so let them be….and as friends, will just be there when the reckoning comes..

I’ve been wanting to write my first blog since most of my friends do it. I love eavesdropping on jove’s site (www.joveffrancisco.com), adrian ayalin at blogspot and of course, gregg the bully in friendster. Check them out so you will have an idea what I am talking about. It took me a while before I wrote my own. Kasi hindi ako sure kung I have the talent and creativity those people have. Although meron na rin naman ako nasulat maaring walang kwenta sa iba pero sa akin, parang source of relief when I scribbled them. On my end, it’s still a masterpiece. And besides, I was pre-occupied with so many thoughts in my mind…ang nangangamoy ng topic tungkol sa politics, ang mga pasaway na mga Obispo lately, ang tungkol sa walang katapusan rigodon about love, hiwalayan at friendship, mga kaganapan at observation ko sa mga teleserye, atbp. Well, I can’t totally get a way from them kasi eto ang interesting kahit antigo na. Just the same, I always procastinate. Sabi sa inyo eh, bilib ako sa mga taong magaling sumulat…just formulating an idea on what to write nakakaloka na bumubuo ka pa kaya ng isang buod. Hindi ko rin alam kung may sinusunod silang rules about writing, well, bukod sa grammar. Or, is it just sheer passion for writing na nailalabas nila sa pagsusulat. Well, isa silang mga henio. Katulad na lamang ng mga obra ni jove about mga political issues (well most of them) na feeling mo naandun ka rin sa lugar na pinangyarihan…ang makulay na pagsulat ni gregg at payak na gawa ni Adrian. Saganang akin, simula na ito…chaka man o marangal, ang importante mailabas ko ang mga saloobin ko, mabawasan ang pagiging alcoholic ko…maintindihan ako… at sa mga kaibigan ko, salamat sa inyo.
(mga gurls, walang okrayan….hehehehehehe).